Thursday, December 14, 2017

Heart vs. Body // Fiction

My heart beats wildly as I run into the dark blanket of night, but my body remains calm and subdued. My body sits in a red cushioned chair, hands folded in my lap, listening carefully to him ranting about the football game scores and how little I’ve accomplished while he slaved away behind his immaculate desk.
My body is frozen to this chair in a bright, happy house that feels like a prison, but my heart, it runs. It beats like the wings of a bird trapped in my chest; my hands clench, and my arms flay as I run and run in hope of escape. While my heart runs away, my body stays at home, mechanically washing dishes and folding things into neat, little squares.
My husband scowls at me as the fireplace shadows cast orange light onto his face. I painstakingly paint on a mask of happiness to hide my fears. I know he will bruise me, beat me, shame me like a frightened caged animal, but my heart will not be scratched or broken for it is deep within the forest running with freedom in the air where even he cannot reach me.
 In my heart, there is no plastic, fearful smile. Instead, I laugh a dark, joyous laugh, a laugh that some might call insane. 
All the while I am sitting in that same chair, not moving a muscle.
I scream, but no one seems to notice. Though my screams do not leave my lips, the acid from my despair lingers in the back of my mouth. My screams echo in my mind, bouncing off my skull never to be heard by human ears.
 I am the animal shaking in captivity in the corner of my cage hidden by expensive furniture and red, floral wallpaper that I did not choose.
 I am the wild beast that runs without shackles on its feet, dancing across every fear that used to crowd its lungs.
My body remains chained to this chair, but my heart runs further every day, threatening to pull me apart at the seams. 

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

let us live like dandelions
with veins like tangled roots.
when the ground feels safe
we let them sink into the earth
clinging onto brittle soil
and blowing wishes as the wind sways.
let our wishes travel 
where even the mountains cannot touch us,
breaking in our spirits like new shoes
and breathing in untainted air
that settles deep within our lungs.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

I'm Not Okay & That's Okay

I have always tried to be real and honest on this little piece of the internet I have claimed as my own. So, I'll be honest with you, friends.
The beginning of my nineteenth year of life has been rough.
Though it has been full of hopes, dreams, adventures, and love it has also overwhelmed me like a relentless fast-approaching wave. Curveballs have been thrown my way, things I thought would last forever have fallen apart. Stress, worry, and anxiety have engulfed me in its dark waters. I am juggling two part-time jobs, being a full-time student, and having deep relationships with those I care about. And let me tell you, it has been so very difficult. I feel like this is my sacred place, this little blog of mine, to be real and let my emotions spill into these messy words.

I am trying to find peace again.
I used to know it so well, I used to feel it all the time. Recently, however, I have only felt frustration because too much noise and distraction has left me searching desperately for this peace. My heart is hurting. If you don't know me personally you probably don't know how empathetic I am, almost to a fault in fact. I feel the pain that those around me carry and it weighs heavily on me constantly. This, of course, causes me more stress and pain. There has been a recent, very young death in my extended family. It was devastating. I was so mad at God. Why had He let this happen? It wasn't fair. I prayed for a miracle and there was no answer. I felt the pain of those around me. It nearly swallowed me whole. What do us humans try to do when we feel pain? We attempt to ignore it, to numb our suffering so that we do not have to feel it anymore. Does this help? Maybe for a little while, but eventually we feel its sting again and this time it is stronger, more painful.

Ignoring our emotions only causes us to feel distant.
Ignoring the pain I felt made me push God and my loved ones away. It made me feel alone. But guess what my friends, it's going to be okay. Even in the dark and difficult patches of our lives, God is there. I'm sure many of you have heard the song "More of You" by Colton Dixon. It has been my anthem for life these days. The first line says, "I made my castle tall, I built up every wall. This is my kingdom and it needs to fall." For me, a big cause for me feeling stressed and distant is because the paths I thought God was pushing me towards are not the plans he has in store for me right now. I'm a planner, people. I hate not knowing what I need to do and where I need to go when it comes to God's plan or anyone's plan for that matter. But God sometimes calls us to do exactly that, to relinquish the control we so desperately hate giving up, to be okay with not knowing what the next step is but to trust that God does. It can be so hard to feel him, to hear him when the shadows of worry, grief, and stress swallow our air, our oxygen, leaving us gasping for something to fill our emptiness with something real, something sustainable. It can be hard to breathe when you are broken in spirit and worn in body and mind.

I know this because I am there.
I have been taking walks in a nearby field, listening to more music, attempting to regularly do my devotions, and reading my bible more often than I used to. I'm doing things that bring me peace. Am I okay? No, not right now, but I will be because I choose to focus on my faith rather than my fears. I choose to delve deeper into my relationship with God to ensure that I am spiritually strong before I try to help fix everyone else's problems. I choose to trust God even when I don't understand what he is doing or why he is doing it. Will this be difficult? Yes, of course, it will, but I have faith that I can.

If you aren't feeling especially okay right now, I want you to know that it is okay to not be okay. Maybe you feel broken, unwanted, hurt. Perhaps you have lost someone and you are questioning God's judgment. Know that this shadowy valley, these waves of doubt that crash into you, will pass. Know that God has a wonderful plan for you and those around you though it may seem so distant for you right now. Know that where there is pain there is always hope, there is always healing. No pain is too great for Him to remedy.